Skinny, sexy and toned

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Five day water fast

May 28, 2012

Today I began water fasting; I don’t know how long I will be able to keep it up for but I plan to continue until Friday, and then break my fast by eating 200 calories worth of vegetables only all weekend. I know it’s probably not the best and healthiest way to approach weight loss, but I’m so bloody desperate right now. Summer has arrived and (as usual) I am no where near where I want to be. I hate always failing. I despise myself for not ever being able to follow anything through; it’s the reason I am so fucking fat. Weak, stupid, fat, ugly girl – that has always been me, and I’m ready to be someone else now. I’m ready for success.

On an unrelated (actually, it’s somewhat related) note, my boyfriend is coming down to see me next Tuesday. He will be here for three days before getting on the train back North, then I probably won’t see him again for another month or so. I’m literally so excited to see him again; I can’t describe how much I’ve missed him these past few weeks. The only thing about him coming that I’m not looking forward to so much is the food. The sun will be out, as it has been recently, and he’s already said he is going to buy me a chocolate fudge brownie mcflurry from McDonalds (400 calories). There is no doubt we will be stopping at many other fast food joints, or hitting supermarkets while he’s here because it’s cheap and, well, we need to eat. I just don’t know what I’m going to do next week.

Also, I’m determined to be at least 5lbs thinner when he comes next Tuesday. He said he wants to see me in a little summer dress as it’s our first summer together and blah blah blah. The idea of showing so much flesh in public, added to the promise of fattening foods and the fact my mum does not approve of the relationship so getting out of the house to see him will be difficult, I have a strong feeling next week will be very stressful…

Today has been alright in relation to eating, but not in terms of my history exam – I positively failed those stupid timed essays. However, I stuck to my 500 calorie limit and will do the same tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Maybe by then I’ll be able to fit into those new jeans that are a size too small, who knows…

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ low fat cheese (25) boiled egg whites (17) and tea (15)

L – a small tin of sweetcorn (88)

S – two ice lollies (68) an apple (60) and diet coke (2)

D – turkey breast (112) w/ sweetcorn (35)

= 474 calories

The weather is so beautiful today; soon summer will really arrive and everyone will gear up in tiny little shorts and pretty crop tops. I dread to think when the time comes I will still be a fat, bulging, disgusting monster.

Completely perfect

May 22, 2012

Completely perfect

She's absolutely stunning

Today’s intake

May 21, 2012

This afternoon I had a politics exam and… Well, I don’t really want to comment on how I did because only the results will tell, but I’m really hoping I managed to get an A even though I couldn’t really finish and wasn’t able to write as much as I had intended.

Anyway, all that is school stuff and completely unrelated to this entry title. My intake today hasn’t been too bad (in fact it’s much less than I expected it would be) but I still haven’t incorporated any exercise as I’ve been meaning to. I will probably do a bit of dancing on the Wii before going to sleep tonight.

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ low fat cheese (25) an egg white (17) and tea w/ a teaspoon of brown sugar (15)

L – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

S – medium apple (60)  two fruit ice lollies (48) and diet coke (1)

D – one medium orange (62)

= 402 calories

Not bad, eh? I’m really confused about how it’s so low – for some reason I was expecting it to be much higher. I suppose those couple of hours in the exam hall scribbling the answers to the politics questions took a good chunk out of my day. I was conscious to make sure my breakfast was the largest part of my calorific intake (109 calories in total) so I was fully energised for the exam and wasn’t constantly thinking about all the delicious foods I’m craving.

On Friday I may sign up for a gym membership with one of my friends. We’ll call her N for the purpose of anonymity on this blog. Hello, competition…

I’d love her boobs

May 21, 2012

I'd love her boobs

Ahhh love her stomach

May 21, 2012

Ahhh love her stomach

Fat is my middle name

May 20, 2012

Well, suffice to say this week hasn’t been the best in terms of eating. I started off so well… I’m such a fucking fat disgrace. Seriously. I have been far too ashamed to even update this blog because of my disgusting overeating these past few days. Ugh why am I even allowed to live? The amount of food I scoff down in a day would be enough to feed a whole starving village in Ethiopia for a week.

Anyway, let’s put that all behind us.

Tomorrow will mark yet another new start; I’m going to start limiting myself to 500 calories like I was before all of this. I won’t allow myself to skip breakfast and will ensure I drink enough water each day (I’m so bad at this) as well as do some form of exercise (I’m so bad at this too).  If I stick to this I should begin losing weight pretty quickly. I have to. I’m so disgusting at the moment, I can’t even look at myself without wanting to cry. So fat. So so so fat.

It amazes me that I have gone this long without self harming. I haven’t cut myself in a few months now, although I have been extremely tempted at times. After thinking I had completely stopped (I didn’t cut myself for about eight months) I relapsed, and once that happened I fell right back into it. Now though, my mum knows about it, and everyone in the house does their utmost to hide all razors from me. I hate it so much. I hid one in my phone cover, between my phone and the cover, but I guess it fell out. I’m not necessarily saying I want to cut myself, I just like knowing where one is. In case. Maybe it’s best I don’t have access to any; I don’t want to self harm anymore.

Anyway. I digress. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense because a lot of this, particularly the above paragraph, is just pure rambling. Here are the main points, for those who cannot understand my mind vomit…

Tomorrow = new start

Calorie limit = 500

Increasing water intake = good

Cutting myself = bad

Long, thin legs

May 19, 2012

Long, thin legs