This morning I had a history exam at school, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t feel weak or ill and could concentrate on the paper, rather than focusing on food, as well write quickly. I couldn’t sleep properly last night because I was so hungry and all I could think about was food. I spent about an hour (possibly more) lying in bed and planning all my meals for today, particularly breakfast.

Here’s my intake:

B – wholegrain toast (96) w/ low fat cheese (25) and boiled egg whites (17)

L – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

S – medium apple (60), 10 grapes (30), fruit ice lolly (44) and a bite of cucumber (2)

D – a small tin of sweetcorn (88) and diet coke (1)

= 480 calories

As you can probably tell, I was pretty hungry today… I’m ashamed about how much I snacked throughout the day. I think it’s because I was up and about for quite a bit, and it’s pretty hard to survive on 500 calories a day. I have been so tempted to just give up and devour the contents of the kitchen. Anytime I felt like that though, I just thought about my gorgeous jeans that I’m too fat to fit into, and my revolting fat thighs. That sure did the trick.

I seriously need to start exercising more. I did a little stint on the Wii, playing Just Dance 2 to burn some calories, and also did half a workout on youtube. The school gym is so disappointing–no cross trainers, only one treadmill, broken equipment, limited gym equipment, difficult to access–nothing like the one in my old school. Sigh. It makes things much harder.

All in all, today hasn’t been too bad. I’m hoping tomorrow I can stick to the 400 calorie limit without caving in.

Today has been okay, food wise. Everything-else-wise, it has been shit. I’ve stuck to the calorie limit for today (I’m considerably below 500 calories at the moment) but sadly that has not guaranteed a good day. Oh, well.

B – nothing (0)

L – yogurt w/chocolate cereal (227)

S – cheesy wotsits (95)

D – an apple (50) and diet coke (1)

= 373 calories

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do to celebrate my birthday in a few days–are we going out to a restaurant? Do I want a cake?–and they react with surprise and amusement when I say I don’t want to do anything (”you’re just going to let the day pass?”). My family have an tradition of going out to eat together in celebration of someone’s birthday, if that person doesn’t organise something else.  It will be difficult to say no thank you to eating out, but I just can’t.

Tommorow is another 500 calorie day, and I’m going to try to do more exercise aswell as eat below the limit.

ABC Diet

May 6, 2012

ABC Diet

I always feel so ashamed when I start this diet, because of the negative ~pro-ana~ associations attached to it (the name ‘ana boot camp’ makes me seriously cringe) but it adds structure which I so desperately need after these past few weeks and it usually do well to put me back on track.

For the first time ever, I’m going to see if I can get from start to finish on this diet.

Food defines my life

May 6, 2012

I find myself feeling anxious if there is no food in my bag, even when I am not hungry and do not feel like eating. I have to have some kind of food item sitting there just in case or I become nervous and fidgety, waiting impaitiently for the end of my lesson so I can power walk to the shop and buy some chocolate or an apple or a packet of raisins or something. 

I have never had a healthy relationship with food. When I was 10, food was a source of joy and excitement. When I was 13, food was a poison, stopping me from reaching my goal weight, but something I was able to resist. When I was 14, food was a comfort, allowing me to channel all my feelings of self-disgust into stuffing my face. Now, I am 16 and food is a constant in my life, something I struggle to resist and cannot go more than 2 hours without indulging in.

What happened to the days when I was a determined pre-teen, able to say fuck you to food and live off the compliments I was receiving as the pounds dropped off?

She is making a comeback. I was like that once, I can be like that once again. To guide me along, I’m doing the notorious ABC diet (I know, I know). Today’s limit is 500 calories.

Fuck you, food.

Well, today was difficult. I was exhausted so I only burnt like 50 calories at the gym and didn’t do any other exercises, including walking from OS. It was too hot and I was too weak. Ugh fuck this fuck this fuck this.

Breakfast – fat free yoghurt (99)

Snack – kit kat chocolate (107)

Lunch – an apple (80)

Dinner – salad with frankfurters (171)

Water – 2.5L

Total calories consumed = 457

Ehh I’m hungry. I really want to eat something fuck. It’s only day two though, so I can’t fuck up now.

Must. Not. Give. In.

I can’t believe how bad I’ve been with the diet! I’m not going to give up though, and today was the start of another attempt to lose weight. This time, I’m going to use the ABC diet. It works, and it’s not too hard to follow. Plus it adds structure to my daily eating which is exactly what I need.

So, today was the first day, and I have had:

– Haribo cherry (32)

– Chocolate (99)

– An apple (80)

That means my total so far is 211 calories.

For dinner I plan to have Activia fat free yoghurt which is only 99 calories and a small-ish banana, which is probably something like 110 calories. So my total by the end of today should be 420 calories. That’s okay.

In terms of exercise, I only burnt 150 calories at the gym, but I walked from OS and did 50 sit ups. I’ve also drank 2L of water already. I’ll do the rest of my exercise before I go to bed.

I’m hoping to make it 2.5L by the end of today.

Today has been good so far. I really have to do this. I might post some thinspo or something later, just to get myself into gear.