The fatty has returned

So, my depression has been pretty bad lately which for me means increased late night binges caused by sleeping all day and comfort eating at random points. The lack of structure in my diet combined with my inability to leave the house means my weight has visibly ballooned, but I’m ready to take control again. I leave for Barcelona with my mates on the 20th August so I have less than 3 weeks to shed this extra weight. What a challenge.

Anyway, today I have eaten:

B – nothing (0)

L – boiled egg white (17)

S – approx. 8 boiled sweets (64)

D – salad (200) and pepsi max (2)

= 283 calories

I’m considering going for a run later in the evening to get some physical activity and speed up the weight loss process. Tomorrow I will be better; by that I mean I won’t shove eight sweets into my mouth at snack time, though I am pleased that I stopped there and it didn’t turn into a binge, which it so easily could have done… Anyway, until Barca I’m not allowing myself to eat more than 300 calories daily and I also must burn some of it off either by going for long walks or jogging in the evening (because it won’t be so hot and unbearable!)

EDIT: later this night I went for a run, which was really terrible. I can’t believe how unfit I’ve become. What have I been doing to my body?? When I got back I felt really faint and ended up eating 10 more sweets (80) bringing my calorie intake up to 363 hahahah I hate myself. To make up for it thought I’ve just done loads of exercises in my room, including 100 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 leg lifts on each side and other random bits. Hopefully that cancels out the sweets a bit, but to be safe I’m being much stricter tomorrow.

Not this again

So, unsurprisingly, I return once again. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve updated this, and looking back through my old entries is so surreal. Quite a lot has changed since my last post. I started university last September and everything has been pretty fucking hectic since then. My weight has fluctuated incredibly for the past few months; I went from very thin, to slim, to thin again, to where I am now which is disgusting and flabby. In April this year I attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers, and shortly after I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression (something that has factored into my weight gain, as I haven’t had the energy or motivation to cook or buy food so ended up ordering in every day). This summer I am focusing on losing at least fifty pounds before the start of term because currently I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I’m also trying to improve my frame of mind before I go back to uni.

Being at home for summer is awful. The depression is setting in pretty bad which means I am isolating myself from my family and withdrawing further into my mind, but of course they have misinterpreted this as difficult and anti-social behaviour. Urgh. I’m really struggling with loneliness and feelings of low self worth, but somehow I have managed not to self harm while I’ve been home, mainly by looking at my scars and reminding myself of how gross and embarrassing they are.

ANYWAY I am limiting myself to 800 calories daily as I think it’s realistic and I am desperate to drop all this extra fat that seems to have found its way onto me in the recent months. This shouldn’t be too hard!

Breakfast

I have an exam today so I made sure to eat a good, low calorie breakfast even though it’s difficult for me to stomach it with these terrible nerves!

Five strawberries, two honey and oat Belvita breakfast biscuits, and a cup of tea! Wish me luck.

2013: Health and Reaching Goals

Today has been great so far, food wise. On New Years I decided that I wanted 2013 to be the year I finally reached my goal of losing weight and eventually finding happiness in myself and my body. In order for this to happen, it dawned on me that I would therefore need to adopt a more healthier approach to dieting which includes several changes that I began today (a week late, but I needed time to adjust and get back into a normal routine after the Christmas break!).

These are the changes: – an increased calorie intake limit of 1000 calories – more fruit and vegetables incorporated – making an effort to walk more daily – increasing the amount of water consumed – stressing less about calorie content – allowing myself healthy and yummy snacks – sticking to a bedroom exercise routine I’m really pleased with my choices to be more healthy and give my body what it wants and needs, rather than denying it of certain nutrients for the sake of losing weight, only to stuff my face later on and feel crappy. I want this to be a lifestyle change, mot a quick-fix, crash diet.

Here is what I have eaten so far today, and what I plan to have for dinner in a couple of hours:

B – two honey and oats belvita breakfast biscuits (58)
S – a medium apple (60)
L – rice and chilli con carne (284) with vegetables (30)
S – one raisin brunch bar (150)
D – two wholemeal toasts (210) with peanut butter (68) and banana slices (90)
= 900 calories

I have a really great feeling about 2013.

New beginnings – I feel so great!

Right, so as those of you who follow me already know, I’ve returned to restricting mode but with an increased limit of 700 calories (ew it seems so much when I type it but I know it’s the right thing to do) and since I’m having a new start, I thought it’d make sense to sit down for minutes and make a daily food plan. This is what I usually prefer having because it helps to keep the structure and I’m more likely to stick to it if it’s all mapped out and ready. Plus it means I am less likely to give up and binge because I’m eating more now and at regular intervals. On the bus journey home from sixth form, I made two different meal plans – one for the weekdays when I have school, and another for weekends. I thought some of you may be interested in reading what I will be eating and maybe you might want to copy it as it is extremely filling and pretty healthy, not to mention yummy!

Click here!! to read my weekday meal plan

Click here!! to read my weekend meal plan

I feel so motivated and ready to finally start losing weight and feeling good about myself because right now I am just big sack of lard; it’s pathetic. As for today’s intake:

B – toast w/ jam (118) and tea (15)

L – weight watchers beef lasagna (247) eurgh this tasted horrible, I won’t be buying this one again!

S – special k biscuits (98) and medium orange (55)

D – baked beans (60) w/ boiled egg white (17)

= 610 calories

Today has been such a great day! I don’t feel guilty about eating that much because I’m just full and satisfied so there is no chance I’ll be scoffing my face later on. Hopefully I can keep this up for the rest of the week, and the week after that haha. I usually slip up and binge by Wednesday but I don’t see that happening this time, because I’m just feeling so positive about everything.

I hope you’re all have a good day, too!

Clothes shopping is such a stressful experience

In a few days (perhaps this weekend, I’m not too sure) the inevitable will happen: I will have to go clothes shopping to buy new things for the new school year, as all my other clothes are becoming much too worn and old. As much as I love buying new clothes and having new clothes, I absolutely despise the actual act of clothes shopping – it’s so frustrating! There’s way too much choice, way too many beautiful clothes that look terrible on me, way too many full-length mirrors, eager to point out my flaws and tell me how awfully fat my thighs look in those jeans. Aaarrgh. I hate it. I hate the crying in the changing rooms. I hate the skinny girls with skinny legs looking at the skinny jeans that my FAT self with my FAT legs would never be able to pull off. I hate trying on sizes that would have fit me last year and would even have been too big for me the year before that, yet having them tight and ill-fitting this year. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it all.

I’m not really looking forward to it but oh god I need new clothes, and new shoes and a new school bag (my other one broke on the final day!) so I’ll have to suck it up and go for it. It will probably just motivate me more, when I come home with all my new stuff and they look HORRIBLE on me as always.

Oh dear.

Currently 15 hours into my fast

Today I began fasting, as promised in my previous text post. It’s going pretty well, I think. I have a slight stomach pain but I’m not feeling too hungry or anything and I’m so motivated that I could last for at least three days – it’d be great if I actually made it until school opened though. A clothing website that I’m registered with (asos.com) sent me a magazine today with all the new items they have in stock, and as a little treat they also sent a bar of Galaxy chocolate. It was yum. Well, I wouldn’t know if it was yum or not because I didn’t eat any of it! Yeah, not even a tiny square. Instead I shared it out with my family and went upstairs with a mug of ice water. I felt proud which is a change from the feelings I’ve had recently (guilt and shame). I’m still fat though, let’s not forget.

At midday, I decided it would do me good to go for a walk, so I walked quite briskly to the shopping centre (I usually get the bus which is only 10 minutes) and it took me 20 minutes. I looked around at the shops and found a pair of caramel heeled ankle boots for half price! I ended up buying them after trying them on twice and debating with myself in my head. They’re gorgeous.

I’m only allowing myself to have water, diet fizzy drinks, and tea. Sadly we’ve run out of green tea which sucks but normal tea bags will have to do. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be having my usual black tea with a teaspoon of brown sugar (15 calories) or if I’ll cut out any calories completely. Maybe I should have it with sugar every morning, just to help me keep on with this.

This post is completely all over the place. I don’t think it made any sense. Oh well… Wish me luck!

My list of safe foods

A while ago I compiled a list of my ‘safe foods’, which are foods I’m most comfortable with eating when I’m restricting. You’ll probably see these foods a lot in my intake tag; it’s pretty much all I have when I start getting serious about losing weight and I’m not in binge mode. This is the edited version which includes new foods that I’ve started enjoying, like tomato soup for example.

– all fruits (ex. bananas)

– all vegetables

– fruit ice lollies

– rice cakes

– sugar free marshmallows

– low fat yogurt

– egg whites

– green tea

– diet drinks

– chewing gum

– sugar free jelly

– weight watchers tomato soup

These past few days I’ve been on binge mode because of my period. I hate myself for being so weak about it all and allowing my period to stop me from restricting which I was doing SO well with. I can’t seem to resist the cravings and hormones, apparently. When it’s over and done with I’m coming back on top form. I’ll be fasting until school starts again on the 6th of September, then I’ll eat 200 calories of fruits only for the weekend, and after I’ll maybe begin the ABC diet, I’m not sure.

So here’s the plan as it stands: when my period ends I will begin a 5 day fast right up until school starts, then on that Thursday I will only eat fruits and vegetable at a 200 calorie limit, and once it hits Monday I may or may not start the ABC diet (yes, I realise how unhealthy this plan is, please don’t lecture me).

Last year, I fell in love (and gained 15lbs)

Two days ago, my boyfriend came to London and we spent an amazing and eventful four days together. It was so much fun, but saying goodbye to him as he jumped back on the train to go home was really sad; I can’t wait until next time. While he was here I ate so much crap though, so now it’s time to sort myself out and get back on track. My calorie limit for today is 600 calories, though I doubt I’ll even eat that much since I woke up late and missed breakfast, then a few hours ago I had a very low calorie lunch (below 100 calories).

I will post my calorie intake by the end of the day, and will hopefully do some exercise in the form of sit ups, leg lifts and crazy dances around my room. It’s time to get my shit together, seriously.

This is too true