Not this again

July 7, 2014

So, unsurprisingly, I return once again. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve updated this, and looking back through my old entries is so surreal. Quite a lot has changed since my last post. I started university last September and everything has been pretty fucking hectic since then. My weight has fluctuated incredibly for the past few months; I went from very thin, to slim, to thin again, to where I am now which is disgusting and flabby. In April this year I attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers, and shortly after I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression (something that has factored into my weight gain, as I haven’t had the energy or motivation to cook or buy food so ended up ordering in every day). This summer I am focusing on losing at least fifty pounds before the start of term because currently I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I’m also trying to improve my frame of mind before I go back to uni.

Being at home for summer is awful. The depression is setting in pretty bad which means I am isolating myself from my family and withdrawing further into my mind, but of course they have misinterpreted this as difficult and anti-social behaviour. Urgh. I’m really struggling with loneliness and feelings of low self worth, but somehow I have managed not to self harm while I’ve been home, mainly by looking at my scars and reminding myself of how gross and embarrassing they are.

ANYWAY I am limiting myself to 800 calories daily as I think it’s realistic and I am desperate to drop all this extra fat that seems to have found its way onto me in the recent months. This shouldn’t be too hard!

Breakfast

January 16, 2013

I have an exam today so I made sure to eat a good, low calorie breakfast even though it’s difficult for me to stomach it with these terrible nerves!

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Five strawberries, two honey and oat Belvita breakfast biscuits, and a cup of tea! Wish me luck.

Today has been great so far, food wise. On New Years I decided that I wanted 2013 to be the year I finally reached my goal of losing weight and eventually finding happiness in myself and my body. In order for this to happen, it dawned on me that I would therefore need to adopt a more healthier approach to dieting which includes several changes that I began today (a week late, but I needed time to adjust and get back into a normal routine after the Christmas break!).

These are the changes: – an increased calorie intake limit of 1000 calories – more fruit and vegetables incorporated – making an effort to walk more daily – increasing the amount of water consumed – stressing less about calorie content – allowing myself healthy and yummy snacks – sticking to a bedroom exercise routine I’m really pleased with my choices to be more healthy and give my body what it wants and needs, rather than denying it of certain nutrients for the sake of losing weight, only to stuff my face later on and feel crappy. I want this to be a lifestyle change, mot a quick-fix, crash diet.

Here is what I have eaten so far today, and what I plan to have for dinner in a couple of hours:

B – two honey and oats belvita breakfast biscuits (58)
S – a medium apple (60)
L – rice and chilli con carne (284) with vegetables (30)
S – one raisin brunch bar (150)
D – two wholemeal toasts (210) with peanut butter (68) and banana slices (90)
= 900 calories

I have a really great feeling about 2013.

My apologies!

September 13, 2012

I’m sorry about the lack of updates recently – I’ve been very busy with personal problems which I may or may not post on here, I’m not sure yet. On top of that, my laptop charger broke so I haven’t had access to a private computer to blog with. Right now I am making this post from a computer at school (college) which is risky but neccessary. I hope all of you are doing okay. When I get home I will write a more detailed post, so expect that in a few hours!

Love, Rain xxx

In a few days (perhaps this weekend, I’m not too sure) the inevitable will happen: I will have to go clothes shopping to buy new things for the new school year, as all my other clothes are becoming much too worn and old. As much as I love buying new clothes and having new clothes, I absolutely despise the actual act of clothes shopping – it’s so frustrating! There’s way too much choice, way too many beautiful clothes that look terrible on me, way too many full-length mirrors, eager to point out my flaws and tell me how awfully fat my thighs look in those jeans. Aaarrgh. I hate it. I hate the crying in the changing rooms. I hate the skinny girls with skinny legs looking at the skinny jeans that my FAT self with my FAT legs would never be able to pull off. I hate trying on sizes that would have fit me last year and would even have been too big for me the year before that, yet having them tight and ill-fitting this year. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it all.

I’m not really looking forward to it but oh god I need new clothes, and new shoes and a new school bag (my other one broke on the final day!) so I’ll have to suck it up and go for it. It will probably just motivate me more, when I come home with all my new stuff and they look HORRIBLE on me as always.

Oh dear.

Today I began fasting, as promised in my previous text post. It’s going pretty well, I think. I have a slight stomach pain but I’m not feeling too hungry or anything and I’m so motivated that I could last for at least three days – it’d be great if I actually made it until school opened though. A clothing website that I’m registered with (asos.com) sent me a magazine today with all the new items they have in stock, and as a little treat they also sent a bar of Galaxy chocolate. It was yum. Well, I wouldn’t know if it was yum or not because I didn’t eat any of it! Yeah, not even a tiny square. Instead I shared it out with my family and went upstairs with a mug of ice water. I felt proud which is a change from the feelings I’ve had recently (guilt and shame). I’m still fat though, let’s not forget.

At midday, I decided it would do me good to go for a walk, so I walked quite briskly to the shopping centre (I usually get the bus which is only 10 minutes) and it took me 20 minutes. I looked around at the shops and found a pair of caramel heeled ankle boots for half price! I ended up buying them after trying them on twice and debating with myself in my head. They’re gorgeous.

I’m only allowing myself to have water, diet fizzy drinks, and tea. Sadly we’ve run out of green tea which sucks but normal tea bags will have to do. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be having my usual black tea with a teaspoon of brown sugar (15 calories) or if I’ll cut out any calories completely. Maybe I should have it with sugar every morning, just to help me keep on with this.

This post is completely all over the place. I don’t think it made any sense. Oh well… Wish me luck!

I tried my best, but I really can’t. It’s horrible and I have such a terrible pain in my stomach that I just can’t shake. It may be because I’m about to start my period, I don’t know.

Anyway, that means my calorie intake today is not 271.

271 – (76 / 2) = 233 calories

Two days ago, my boyfriend came to London and we spent an amazing and eventful four days together. It was so much fun, but saying goodbye to him as he jumped back on the train to go home was really sad; I can’t wait until next time. While he was here I ate so much crap though, so now it’s time to sort myself out and get back on track. My calorie limit for today is 600 calories, though I doubt I’ll even eat that much since I woke up late and missed breakfast, then a few hours ago I had a very low calorie lunch (below 100 calories).

I will post my calorie intake by the end of the day, and will hopefully do some exercise in the form of sit ups, leg lifts and crazy dances around my room. It’s time to get my shit together, seriously.

Earlier today, I walked in on my older sister weighing herself in my bedroom. She’s been trying to lose weight for some time now, with my mum, though she’s pretending it’s just an attempt to eat healthily and stay fit. Of course I knew she was lying – that’s such a classic excuse for eating less to lose weight. She’s not fat or overweight in any way, but clearly has issues with her body like most of us.

How does this make me feel? Well, you can imagine. Sisters are usually pretty competitive from what I know, and I’ve always felt like I need to be thinner than my older sister in particular. Reading through my old diaries from when I first started all of this in 2009, I make references to her many times, even listing one of my reasons for losing weight as ‘to make E jealous’. I guess it’s because of the fact that she’s better than me at everything – she’s much smarter, a lot more popular, great at sports, prettier and the list goes on – so this is perhaps my opportunity to be better at something.

Knowing she is on a diet has just motivated me more to stick with my 600 calorie limit and lose more weight than her. If I can’t be smarter/prettier/more popular, at least I can be thinner!

This is so shit – my parents gave me over £200 for my birthday in May yet here I am with only £20 left of it. And why? Well, because I had to fork out £160 for my boyfriend to stay in a hotel for two nights. Arrghh, it’s so annoying. I don’t have a job and my parents don’t give me pocket money over the holidays, plus I can’t exactly ask them for more because they’ve already given me so much and they think I still have it. As you can imagine, my broke state made it really hard to buy anything today when I went grocery shopping without feeling incredibly guilty. Not because of the calories, but because of the money I was spending. I hate it.

Well then, it’s safe to say that today’s food shopping experience was no where near as fun as it usually is. Regardless, I bought four cans of Weight watcher’s tomato soup, a 12-pack of coke zero, two apples, a packet of melba toast (now down to 12 calories per slice!), special K chocolate cereal bars and low fat marshmallows with wafers.

Today’s intake:

B – apple (60) with toffee yogurt (88)

L – prawn salad (70) and diet coke (1)

S – marshmallow w/ wafer (50), raisins (42), diet coke (1)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (24)

= 412 calories

That’s alright; it’s more than yesterday, but it’s still alright. I’ve managed to get in half an hour’s walk on the way to the supermarket and also did fifty sit ups on my bed. That is no where near I want to be doing but at least it’s something.