This is too true

August 25, 2012

This is too true

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Back at school

June 11, 2012

Today was rainy, tiring and extremely miserable; I always dread the first day back at school after a few weeks away from it all. To make the day even more depressing, my boyfriend and I have fallen out and now he won’t speak to me. Great.

I have been thinking more and more about self harm: looking through old photos of my fresh cuts, and scrolling through pictures of other people’s cuts. I can not let myself get back into that, though recently it has become increasingly tempting… So far I’ve managed to stay away (partly because all razors have been hidden away from my reach by my family) but if this frame of mind continues and the urge gets stronger, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold off.

In terms of eating though, today has been pretty successful. I decided earlier that I would change my eating habits and my attitudes towards eating. Rather than restricting to as little as possible and inevitably bingeing later on, I’ve decided to start trying to listen to my body, eating only when I’m hungry and making healthy choices, rather than depriving myself of food. I’m also thinking of changing my daily calorie limit – at the moment it is only 500 calories but I may increase it to 700, or thereabouts.

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ light cheese (25) and an egg white (17)

L – sushi snack pack (140) w/ soy sauce (20)

S – medium apple (60) and two ice lollies (34)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

= 450 calories

I’m surprised it’s so little; I was expecting to be well over 500 calories because of that sushi (which I ended up regretting even though I tried to will myself not to) but all’s well it seems. I still haven’t started a steady exercise regime and stuck to it. That needs to change!

Fat is my middle name

May 20, 2012

Well, suffice to say this week hasn’t been the best in terms of eating. I started off so well… I’m such a fucking fat disgrace. Seriously. I have been far too ashamed to even update this blog because of my disgusting overeating these past few days. Ugh why am I even allowed to live? The amount of food I scoff down in a day would be enough to feed a whole starving village in Ethiopia for a week.

Anyway, let’s put that all behind us.

Tomorrow will mark yet another new start; I’m going to start limiting myself to 500 calories like I was before all of this. I won’t allow myself to skip breakfast and will ensure I drink enough water each day (I’m so bad at this) as well as do some form of exercise (I’m so bad at this too). ┬áIf I stick to this I should begin losing weight pretty quickly. I have to. I’m so disgusting at the moment, I can’t even look at myself without wanting to cry. So fat. So so so fat.

It amazes me that I have gone this long without self harming. I haven’t cut myself in a few months now, although I have been extremely tempted at times. After thinking I had completely stopped (I didn’t cut myself for about eight months) I relapsed, and once that happened I fell right back into it. Now though, my mum knows about it, and everyone in the house does their utmost to hide all razors from me. I hate it so much. I hid one in my phone cover, between my phone and the cover, but I guess it fell out. I’m not necessarily saying I want to cut myself, I just like knowing where one is. In case. Maybe it’s best I don’t have access to any; I don’t want to self harm anymore.

Anyway. I digress. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense because a lot of this, particularly the above paragraph, is just pure rambling. Here are the main points, for those who cannot understand my mind vomit…

Tomorrow = new start

Calorie limit = 500

Increasing water intake = good

Cutting myself = bad

I struggle with self harm

I don’t think I have ever stated it so explicitly and obviously on this blog before… Anyway, it’s out there now. This picture describes a lot of the feelings I have in relation to displaying my cuts and scars around others. It is such a crazy little place, my mind.

(Apologies for the less than optimistic posts today – gaining weight leaves me hopeless)

Thursday 6th January 2011

You say things to me that I imagine couples whisper to each other through the phone. It both confuses and flatters me. You don’t know it, but you are my only friend.

Outside it is cold and the bitter wind bites my face, the only part of me not wrapped in layers of clothing. It is raining, too. They race to his the ground before the other droplets. The rain is fast and hard and for a moment I don’t really want to go out there again. One sniff of the air outside knocked that notion right out of me though.

I wonder if you still think about me. I do, you know. I do so all the time. Everything is a lot worse than I make out to be because I don’t want you to feel bad, or like you’ve won.

Some nights when sleep struggles to find its way to my eyelids, I think about the life I would like to have and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Why do I have to be who I am?

You wouldn’t understand, but I carry that little metal thing around with me in my pocket where ever I go. I can’t say what I’m planning to use it for, or when, but I like having it with me nonetheless.