I tried my best, but I really can’t. It’s horrible and I have such a terrible pain in my stomach that I just can’t shake. It may be because I’m about to start my period, I don’t know.

Anyway, that means my calorie intake today is not 271.

271 – (76 / 2) = 233 calories

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This is too true

August 25, 2012

This is too true

This is so shit – my parents gave me over £200 for my birthday in May yet here I am with only £20 left of it. And why? Well, because I had to fork out £160 for my boyfriend to stay in a hotel for two nights. Arrghh, it’s so annoying. I don’t have a job and my parents don’t give me pocket money over the holidays, plus I can’t exactly ask them for more because they’ve already given me so much and they think I still have it. As you can imagine, my broke state made it really hard to buy anything today when I went grocery shopping without feeling incredibly guilty. Not because of the calories, but because of the money I was spending. I hate it.

Well then, it’s safe to say that today’s food shopping experience was no where near as fun as it usually is. Regardless, I bought four cans of Weight watcher’s tomato soup, a 12-pack of coke zero, two apples, a packet of melba toast (now down to 12 calories per slice!), special K chocolate cereal bars and low fat marshmallows with wafers.

Today’s intake:

B – apple (60) with toffee yogurt (88)

L – prawn salad (70) and diet coke (1)

S – marshmallow w/ wafer (50), raisins (42), diet coke (1)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (24)

= 412 calories

That’s alright; it’s more than yesterday, but it’s still alright. I’ve managed to get in half an hour’s walk on the way to the supermarket and also did fifty sit ups on my bed. That is no where near I want to be doing but at least it’s something.

Today in a nutshell

July 22, 2012

Woah, I just noticed I’ve had a random influx of viewers! Where have you all come from? It’s good to know I’m not just writing all this to myself, though I never expected anyone would ever read this blog.

Today hasn’t been so bad I guess – my only regret is eating an extra nectarine and not doing any exercise, but it could have been much worse, right? I really need to stop being such a lazy fat arse though and start doing even just a tiny bit of exercise. Seriously. I also need to start doing sit ups every night (at least 50 a night) because my stomach so horribly fat. It’s so depressing thinking back to the times when I didn’t need to do any sort of exercise yet still managed to maintain a perfectly toned stomach.

Anyway, here is today’s intake:

B – medium nectarine (62) with a glass of ice water (0)

L – tea w/ brown sugar (15) and two biscuits (76)

S – a small box of raisins (43) and a can of diet coke (1)

D – medium banana (105) and a nectarine (62)

= 364 calories

That’s not too bad, but I can’t help feeling guilty for eating that extra nectarine after the banana. I really didn’t need it; I’m just so bloody greedy and fat fat fat. Everything I’ve eaten today has been little snacks. I haven’t had any proper meals because I couldn’t find anything low calorie to make in my house, which meant I just grazed on anything I could find that I deemed healthy enough. Eh.

Tomorrow I’m going to take a walk to the shopping centre to look for new shoes – I usually take the bus there but I figured walking would be a good way to get some exercise in – even though I don’t currently have enough money to actually buy any. I’m also going to go grocery shopping for enough food to last me a week, and not just snacks like today but actual meals. Those of you who are familiar with my blog with know that shopping for food is awkward for me as I still live with my family since I’m not old enough to live alone. This means I’m forced to hide anything I buy in stupid places like among my clothes… FUN! Apart from this I do really enjoy food shopping.

On a completely different note, I’m back with my boyfriend. We’ve actually been on and off since we got back together and I completely hate it. I’ve never wanted to be in this sort of relationship; I hate feeling so unsafe and like we’re going to split up any second.

I’m feeling fairly positive for tomorrow, despite it all.

Yesterday’s intake

June 19, 2012

I didn’t have a change to log on here yesterday to record my intake (or the day before, for that matter, but it seems too late to write it down now – it was around 500 calories for those who are interested) so I’m going to write it here before I dash off to school:

B – boiled egg white (17) and medium apple (45)

L – orange melon (50)

S – mini pretzels (95), one small tangerine (23), some bread (50), diet coke (1)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

= 383 calories

Considering I have recently increased my calorie limit to 600, eating only 383 calories in a day seems like nothing. I won’t lie though, I feel pretty proud of myself. Here’s to another great day and reaching goals!

Back at school

June 11, 2012

Today was rainy, tiring and extremely miserable; I always dread the first day back at school after a few weeks away from it all. To make the day even more depressing, my boyfriend and I have fallen out and now he won’t speak to me. Great.

I have been thinking more and more about self harm: looking through old photos of my fresh cuts, and scrolling through pictures of other people’s cuts. I can not let myself get back into that, though recently it has become increasingly tempting… So far I’ve managed to stay away (partly because all razors have been hidden away from my reach by my family) but if this frame of mind continues and the urge gets stronger, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold off.

In terms of eating though, today has been pretty successful. I decided earlier that I would change my eating habits and my attitudes towards eating. Rather than restricting to as little as possible and inevitably bingeing later on, I’ve decided to start trying to listen to my body, eating only when I’m hungry and making healthy choices, rather than depriving myself of food. I’m also thinking of changing my daily calorie limit – at the moment it is only 500 calories but I may increase it to 700, or thereabouts.

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ light cheese (25) and an egg white (17)

L – sushi snack pack (140) w/ soy sauce (20)

S – medium apple (60) and two ice lollies (34)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

= 450 calories

I’m surprised it’s so little; I was expecting to be well over 500 calories because of that sushi (which I ended up regretting even though I tried to will myself not to) but all’s well it seems. I still haven’t started a steady exercise regime and stuck to it. That needs to change!

Today has been alright in relation to eating, but not in terms of my history exam – I positively failed those stupid timed essays. However, I stuck to my 500 calorie limit and will do the same tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Maybe by then I’ll be able to fit into those new jeans that are a size too small, who knows…

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ low fat cheese (25) boiled egg whites (17) and tea (15)

L – a small tin of sweetcorn (88)

S – two ice lollies (68) an apple (60) and diet coke (2)

D – turkey breast (112) w/ sweetcorn (35)

= 474 calories

The weather is so beautiful today; soon summer will really arrive and everyone will gear up in tiny little shorts and pretty crop tops. I dread to think when the time comes I will still be a fat, bulging, disgusting monster.

This morning I had a history exam at school, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t feel weak or ill and could concentrate on the paper, rather than focusing on food, as well write quickly. I couldn’t sleep properly last night because I was so hungry and all I could think about was food. I spent about an hour (possibly more) lying in bed and planning all my meals for today, particularly breakfast.

Here’s my intake:

B – wholegrain toast (96) w/ low fat cheese (25) and boiled egg whites (17)

L – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

S – medium apple (60), 10 grapes (30), fruit ice lolly (44) and a bite of cucumber (2)

D – a small tin of sweetcorn (88) and diet coke (1)

= 480 calories

As you can probably tell, I was pretty hungry today… I’m ashamed about how much I snacked throughout the day. I think it’s because I was up and about for quite a bit, and it’s pretty hard to survive on 500 calories a day. I have been so tempted to just give up and devour the contents of the kitchen. Anytime I felt like that though, I just thought about my gorgeous jeans that I’m too fat to fit into, and my revolting fat thighs. That sure did the trick.

I seriously need to start exercising more. I did a little stint on the Wii, playing Just Dance 2 to burn some calories, and also did half a workout on youtube. The school gym is so disappointing–no cross trainers, only one treadmill, broken equipment, limited gym equipment, difficult to access–nothing like the one in my old school. Sigh. It makes things much harder.

All in all, today hasn’t been too bad. I’m hoping tomorrow I can stick to the 400 calorie limit without caving in.

Today has been okay, food wise. Everything-else-wise, it has been shit. I’ve stuck to the calorie limit for today (I’m considerably below 500 calories at the moment) but sadly that has not guaranteed a good day. Oh, well.

B – nothing (0)

L – yogurt w/chocolate cereal (227)

S – cheesy wotsits (95)

D – an apple (50) and diet coke (1)

= 373 calories

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do to celebrate my birthday in a few days–are we going out to a restaurant? Do I want a cake?–and they react with surprise and amusement when I say I don’t want to do anything (”you’re just going to let the day pass?”). My family have an tradition of going out to eat together in celebration of someone’s birthday, if that person doesn’t organise something else.  It will be difficult to say no thank you to eating out, but I just can’t.

Tommorow is another 500 calorie day, and I’m going to try to do more exercise aswell as eat below the limit.

Food defines my life

May 6, 2012

I find myself feeling anxious if there is no food in my bag, even when I am not hungry and do not feel like eating. I have to have some kind of food item sitting there just in case or I become nervous and fidgety, waiting impaitiently for the end of my lesson so I can power walk to the shop and buy some chocolate or an apple or a packet of raisins or something. 

I have never had a healthy relationship with food. When I was 10, food was a source of joy and excitement. When I was 13, food was a poison, stopping me from reaching my goal weight, but something I was able to resist. When I was 14, food was a comfort, allowing me to channel all my feelings of self-disgust into stuffing my face. Now, I am 16 and food is a constant in my life, something I struggle to resist and cannot go more than 2 hours without indulging in.

What happened to the days when I was a determined pre-teen, able to say fuck you to food and live off the compliments I was receiving as the pounds dropped off?

She is making a comeback. I was like that once, I can be like that once again. To guide me along, I’m doing the notorious ABC diet (I know, I know). Today’s limit is 500 calories.

Fuck you, food.