The fatty has returned

August 2, 2014

So, my depression has been pretty bad lately which for me means increased late night binges caused by sleeping all day and comfort eating at random points. The lack of structure in my diet combined with my inability to leave the house means my weight has visibly ballooned, but I’m ready to take control again. I leave for Barcelona with my mates on the 20th August so I have less than 3 weeks to shed this extra weight. What a challenge.

Anyway, today I have eaten:

B – nothing (0)

L – boiled egg white (17)

S – approx. 8 boiled sweets (64)

D – salad (200) and pepsi max (2)

= 283 calories

I’m considering going for a run later in the evening to get some physical activity and speed up the weight loss process. Tomorrow I will be better; by that I mean I won’t shove eight sweets into my mouth at snack time, though I am pleased that I stopped there and it didn’t turn into a binge, which it so easily could have done… Anyway, until Barca I’m not allowing myself to eat more than 300 calories daily and I also must burn some of it off either by going for long walks or jogging in the evening (because it won’t be so hot and unbearable!)

EDIT: later this night I went for a run, which was really terrible. I can’t believe how unfit I’ve become. What have I been doing to my body?? When I got back I felt really faint and ended up eating 10 more sweets (80) bringing my calorie intake up to 363 hahahah I hate myself. To make up for it thought I’ve just done loads of exercises in my room, including 100 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 leg lifts on each side and other random bits. Hopefully that cancels out the sweets a bit, but to be safe I’m being much stricter tomorrow.


Today’s intake

July 7, 2014

Breakfast: 4 rich tea biscuits (152) and yoghurt (40)

Lunch: thai gren curry with 1/4 potato and mixed vegetables (200)

Snacks: 10 cherries (40) go ahead snack bar (148) 1 biscuit (55)

Dinner: 1 small corn on the cob (98) and tea (15)

= 748 calories


Today has been great so far, food wise. On New Years I decided that I wanted 2013 to be the year I finally reached my goal of losing weight and eventually finding happiness in myself and my body. In order for this to happen, it dawned on me that I would therefore need to adopt a more healthier approach to dieting which includes several changes that I began today (a week late, but I needed time to adjust and get back into a normal routine after the Christmas break!).

These are the changes: – an increased calorie intake limit of 1000 calories – more fruit and vegetables incorporated – making an effort to walk more daily – increasing the amount of water consumed – stressing less about calorie content – allowing myself healthy and yummy snacks – sticking to a bedroom exercise routine I’m really pleased with my choices to be more healthy and give my body what it wants and needs, rather than denying it of certain nutrients for the sake of losing weight, only to stuff my face later on and feel crappy. I want this to be a lifestyle change, mot a quick-fix, crash diet.

Here is what I have eaten so far today, and what I plan to have for dinner in a couple of hours:

B – two honey and oats belvita breakfast biscuits (58)
S – a medium apple (60)
L – rice and chilli con carne (284) with vegetables (30)
S – one raisin brunch bar (150)
D – two wholemeal toasts (210) with peanut butter (68) and banana slices (90)
= 900 calories

I have a really great feeling about 2013.

My list of safe foods

August 28, 2012

A while ago I compiled a list of my ‘safe foods’, which are foods I’m most comfortable with eating when I’m restricting. You’ll probably see these foods a lot in my intake tag; it’s pretty much all I have when I start getting serious about losing weight and I’m not in binge mode. This is the edited version which includes new foods that I’ve started enjoying, like tomato soup for example.

– all fruits (ex. bananas)

– all vegetables

– fruit ice lollies

– rice cakes

– sugar free marshmallows

– low fat yogurt

– egg whites

– green tea

– diet drinks

– chewing gum

– sugar free jelly

– weight watchers tomato soup

These past few days I’ve been on binge mode because of my period. I hate myself for being so weak about it all and allowing my period to stop me from restricting which I was doing SO well with. I can’t seem to resist the cravings and hormones, apparently. When it’s over and done with I’m coming back on top form. I’ll be fasting until school starts again on the 6th of September, then I’ll eat 200 calories of fruits only for the weekend, and after I’ll maybe begin the ABC diet, I’m not sure.

So here’s the plan as it stands: when my period ends I will begin a 5 day fast right up until school starts, then on that Thursday I will only eat fruits and vegetable at a 200 calorie limit, and once it hits Monday I may or may not start the ABC diet (yes, I realise how unhealthy this plan is, please don’t lecture me).

Earlier today, I walked in on my older sister weighing herself in my bedroom. She’s been trying to lose weight for some time now, with my mum, though she’s pretending it’s just an attempt to eat healthily and stay fit. Of course I knew she was lying – that’s such a classic excuse for eating less to lose weight. She’s not fat or overweight in any way, but clearly has issues with her body like most of us.

How does this make me feel? Well, you can imagine. Sisters are usually pretty competitive from what I know, and I’ve always felt like I need to be thinner than my older sister in particular. Reading through my old diaries from when I first started all of this in 2009, I make references to her many times, even listing one of my reasons for losing weight as ‘to make E jealous’. I guess it’s because of the fact that she’s better than me at everything – she’s much smarter, a lot more popular, great at sports, prettier and the list goes on – so this is perhaps my opportunity to be better at something.

Knowing she is on a diet has just motivated me more to stick with my 600 calorie limit and lose more weight than her. If I can’t be smarter/prettier/more popular, at least I can be thinner!

This is so shit – my parents gave me over £200 for my birthday in May yet here I am with only £20 left of it. And why? Well, because I had to fork out £160 for my boyfriend to stay in a hotel for two nights. Arrghh, it’s so annoying. I don’t have a job and my parents don’t give me pocket money over the holidays, plus I can’t exactly ask them for more because they’ve already given me so much and they think I still have it. As you can imagine, my broke state made it really hard to buy anything today when I went grocery shopping without feeling incredibly guilty. Not because of the calories, but because of the money I was spending. I hate it.

Well then, it’s safe to say that today’s food shopping experience was no where near as fun as it usually is. Regardless, I bought four cans of Weight watcher’s tomato soup, a 12-pack of coke zero, two apples, a packet of melba toast (now down to 12 calories per slice!), special K chocolate cereal bars and low fat marshmallows with wafers.

Today’s intake:

B – apple (60) with toffee yogurt (88)

L – prawn salad (70) and diet coke (1)

S – marshmallow w/ wafer (50), raisins (42), diet coke (1)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (24)

= 412 calories

That’s alright; it’s more than yesterday, but it’s still alright. I’ve managed to get in half an hour’s walk on the way to the supermarket and also did fifty sit ups on my bed. That is no where near I want to be doing but at least it’s something.

Back at school

June 11, 2012

Today was rainy, tiring and extremely miserable; I always dread the first day back at school after a few weeks away from it all. To make the day even more depressing, my boyfriend and I have fallen out and now he won’t speak to me. Great.

I have been thinking more and more about self harm: looking through old photos of my fresh cuts, and scrolling through pictures of other people’s cuts. I can not let myself get back into that, though recently it has become increasingly tempting… So far I’ve managed to stay away (partly because all razors have been hidden away from my reach by my family) but if this frame of mind continues and the urge gets stronger, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold off.

In terms of eating though, today has been pretty successful. I decided earlier that I would change my eating habits and my attitudes towards eating. Rather than restricting to as little as possible and inevitably bingeing later on, I’ve decided to start trying to listen to my body, eating only when I’m hungry and making healthy choices, rather than depriving myself of food. I’m also thinking of changing my daily calorie limit – at the moment it is only 500 calories but I may increase it to 700, or thereabouts.

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ light cheese (25) and an egg white (17)

L – sushi snack pack (140) w/ soy sauce (20)

S – medium apple (60) and two ice lollies (34)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

= 450 calories

I’m surprised it’s so little; I was expecting to be well over 500 calories because of that sushi (which I ended up regretting even though I tried to will myself not to) but all’s well it seems. I still haven’t started a steady exercise regime and stuck to it. That needs to change!

Five day water fast

May 28, 2012

Today I began water fasting; I don’t know how long I will be able to keep it up for but I plan to continue until Friday, and then break my fast by eating 200 calories worth of vegetables only all weekend. I know it’s probably not the best and healthiest way to approach weight loss, but I’m so bloody desperate right now. Summer has arrived and (as usual) I am no where near where I want to be. I hate always failing. I despise myself for not ever being able to follow anything through; it’s the reason I am so fucking fat. Weak, stupid, fat, ugly girl – that has always been me, and I’m ready to be someone else now. I’m ready for success.

On an unrelated (actually, it’s somewhat related) note, my boyfriend is coming down to see me next Tuesday. He will be here for three days before getting on the train back North, then I probably won’t see him again for another month or so. I’m literally so excited to see him again; I can’t describe how much I’ve missed him these past few weeks. The only thing about him coming that I’m not looking forward to so much is the food. The sun will be out, as it has been recently, and he’s already said he is going to buy me a chocolate fudge brownie mcflurry from McDonalds (400 calories). There is no doubt we will be stopping at many other fast food joints, or hitting supermarkets while he’s here because it’s cheap and, well, we need to eat. I just don’t know what I’m going to do next week.

Also, I’m determined to be at least 5lbs thinner when he comes next Tuesday. He said he wants to see me in a little summer dress as it’s our first summer together and blah blah blah. The idea of showing so much flesh in public, added to the promise of fattening foods and the fact my mum does not approve of the relationship so getting out of the house to see him will be difficult, I have a strong feeling next week will be very stressful…

Today has been alright in relation to eating, but not in terms of my history exam – I positively failed those stupid timed essays. However, I stuck to my 500 calorie limit and will do the same tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Maybe by then I’ll be able to fit into those new jeans that are a size too small, who knows…

Today’s intake:

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ low fat cheese (25) boiled egg whites (17) and tea (15)

L – a small tin of sweetcorn (88)

S – two ice lollies (68) an apple (60) and diet coke (2)

D – turkey breast (112) w/ sweetcorn (35)

= 474 calories

The weather is so beautiful today; soon summer will really arrive and everyone will gear up in tiny little shorts and pretty crop tops. I dread to think when the time comes I will still be a fat, bulging, disgusting monster.

Today’s intake

May 21, 2012

This afternoon I had a politics exam and… Well, I don’t really want to comment on how I did because only the results will tell, but I’m really hoping I managed to get an A even though I couldn’t really finish and wasn’t able to write as much as I had intended.

Anyway, all that is school stuff and completely unrelated to this entry title. My intake today hasn’t been too bad (in fact it’s much less than I expected it would be) but I still haven’t incorporated any exercise as I’ve been meaning to. I will probably do a bit of dancing on the Wii before going to sleep tonight.

B – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ low fat cheese (25) an egg white (17) and tea w/ a teaspoon of brown sugar (15)

L – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (26)

S – medium apple (60)  two fruit ice lollies (48) and diet coke (1)

D – one medium orange (62)

= 402 calories

Not bad, eh? I’m really confused about how it’s so low – for some reason I was expecting it to be much higher. I suppose those couple of hours in the exam hall scribbling the answers to the politics questions took a good chunk out of my day. I was conscious to make sure my breakfast was the largest part of my calorific intake (109 calories in total) so I was fully energised for the exam and wasn’t constantly thinking about all the delicious foods I’m craving.

On Friday I may sign up for a gym membership with one of my friends. We’ll call her N for the purpose of anonymity on this blog. Hello, competition…