Two days ago, my boyfriend came to London and we spent an amazing and eventful four days together. It was so much fun, but saying goodbye to him as he jumped back on the train to go home was really sad; I can’t wait until next time. While he was here I ate so much crap though, so now it’s time to sort myself out and get back on track. My calorie limit for today is 600 calories, though I doubt I’ll even eat that much since I woke up late and missed breakfast, then a few hours ago I had a very low calorie lunch (below 100 calories).

I will post my calorie intake by the end of the day, and will hopefully do some exercise in the form of sit ups, leg lifts and crazy dances around my room. It’s time to get my shit together, seriously.

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This is so shit – my parents gave me over £200 for my birthday in May yet here I am with only £20 left of it. And why? Well, because I had to fork out £160 for my boyfriend to stay in a hotel for two nights. Arrghh, it’s so annoying. I don’t have a job and my parents don’t give me pocket money over the holidays, plus I can’t exactly ask them for more because they’ve already given me so much and they think I still have it. As you can imagine, my broke state made it really hard to buy anything today when I went grocery shopping without feeling incredibly guilty. Not because of the calories, but because of the money I was spending. I hate it.

Well then, it’s safe to say that today’s food shopping experience was no where near as fun as it usually is. Regardless, I bought four cans of Weight watcher’s tomato soup, a 12-pack of coke zero, two apples, a packet of melba toast (now down to 12 calories per slice!), special K chocolate cereal bars and low fat marshmallows with wafers.

Today’s intake:

B – apple (60) with toffee yogurt (88)

L – prawn salad (70) and diet coke (1)

S – marshmallow w/ wafer (50), raisins (42), diet coke (1)

D – tomato soup (76) w/ two slices of melba toast (24)

= 412 calories

That’s alright; it’s more than yesterday, but it’s still alright. I’ve managed to get in half an hour’s walk on the way to the supermarket and also did fifty sit ups on my bed. That is no where near I want to be doing but at least it’s something.

Today in a nutshell

July 22, 2012

Woah, I just noticed I’ve had a random influx of viewers! Where have you all come from? It’s good to know I’m not just writing all this to myself, though I never expected anyone would ever read this blog.

Today hasn’t been so bad I guess – my only regret is eating an extra nectarine and not doing any exercise, but it could have been much worse, right? I really need to stop being such a lazy fat arse though and start doing even just a tiny bit of exercise. Seriously. I also need to start doing sit ups every night (at least 50 a night) because my stomach so horribly fat. It’s so depressing thinking back to the times when I didn’t need to do any sort of exercise yet still managed to maintain a perfectly toned stomach.

Anyway, here is today’s intake:

B – medium nectarine (62) with a glass of ice water (0)

L – tea w/ brown sugar (15) and two biscuits (76)

S – a small box of raisins (43) and a can of diet coke (1)

D – medium banana (105) and a nectarine (62)

= 364 calories

That’s not too bad, but I can’t help feeling guilty for eating that extra nectarine after the banana. I really didn’t need it; I’m just so bloody greedy and fat fat fat. Everything I’ve eaten today has been little snacks. I haven’t had any proper meals because I couldn’t find anything low calorie to make in my house, which meant I just grazed on anything I could find that I deemed healthy enough. Eh.

Tomorrow I’m going to take a walk to the shopping centre to look for new shoes – I usually take the bus there but I figured walking would be a good way to get some exercise in – even though I don’t currently have enough money to actually buy any. I’m also going to go grocery shopping for enough food to last me a week, and not just snacks like today but actual meals. Those of you who are familiar with my blog with know that shopping for food is awkward for me as I still live with my family since I’m not old enough to live alone. This means I’m forced to hide anything I buy in stupid places like among my clothes… FUN! Apart from this I do really enjoy food shopping.

On a completely different note, I’m back with my boyfriend. We’ve actually been on and off since we got back together and I completely hate it. I’ve never wanted to be in this sort of relationship; I hate feeling so unsafe and like we’re going to split up any second.

I’m feeling fairly positive for tomorrow, despite it all.

Well. I’m not exactly sure how to feel about this to be honest. Actually, I lied. I do know how to feel. I feel crappy. I feel lonely. I feel shit about myself. I feel worthless, and stupid, and absolutely terrible. I feel like slicing my arms up into a million pieces and slamming my head into a door. I wish I could be good enough for someone, just one person, you know? But clearly I can’t be. I’m seriously a piece of shit. I should just die.

😦

Five day water fast

May 28, 2012

Today I began water fasting; I don’t know how long I will be able to keep it up for but I plan to continue until Friday, and then break my fast by eating 200 calories worth of vegetables only all weekend. I know it’s probably not the best and healthiest way to approach weight loss, but I’m so bloody desperate right now. Summer has arrived and (as usual) I am no where near where I want to be. I hate always failing. I despise myself for not ever being able to follow anything through; it’s the reason I am so fucking fat. Weak, stupid, fat, ugly girl – that has always been me, and I’m ready to be someone else now. I’m ready for success.

On an unrelated (actually, it’s somewhat related) note, my boyfriend is coming down to see me next Tuesday. He will be here for three days before getting on the train back North, then I probably won’t see him again for another month or so. I’m literally so excited to see him again; I can’t describe how much I’ve missed him these past few weeks. The only thing about him coming that I’m not looking forward to so much is the food. The sun will be out, as it has been recently, and he’s already said he is going to buy me a chocolate fudge brownie mcflurry from McDonalds (400 calories). There is no doubt we will be stopping at many other fast food joints, or hitting supermarkets while he’s here because it’s cheap and, well, we need to eat. I just don’t know what I’m going to do next week.

Also, I’m determined to be at least 5lbs thinner when he comes next Tuesday. He said he wants to see me in a little summer dress as it’s our first summer together and blah blah blah. The idea of showing so much flesh in public, added to the promise of fattening foods and the fact my mum does not approve of the relationship so getting out of the house to see him will be difficult, I have a strong feeling next week will be very stressful…

Last week, as my boyfriend lay on the sofa staring at my naked body, he said ”I feel like you’ve gotten hotter and hotter since we’ve been together”. WHAAAAT?! Crazy boy, since we’ve been together I have gained a noticeable amount of weight – I even have photos from then, and comparing it to how I look now… well, let’s just say it’s more than a little bit traumatising. However, when I challenged him he said, ”no seriously, you definitely have!”.

Strange as it may seem, this has not stopped me from wanting to lose weight. In fact (and if you didn’t think I was insane before, that is probably about to change) it has made me even more determined to get smaller. My terribly disordered mind has convinced me that I deceived him, making him think my body is not disgusting. Therefore I now have to improve my body so that the next time he sees me naked he won’t think ‘what a stupid fat lying bitch, pretending she was hot’…

I told you I am crazy.

(Apologies for the lack of coherency; my mind is all over the place at the moment)

The past few days my relationship with my boyfriend has felt under strain. The loneliness and helplessness I’ve felt as a result has meant I’ve been finding it hard to stop myself from eating anything and everything. Towards the end of last week it even got to the point where I was eating at 4am before going to sleep, and first thing when I woke up to satisfy my urge. Naturally, this has left me feeling constantly full and bloated, and also with terrible stomach pains. Add this to the fact I’m at home all day, everyday, and you’ve got the equation for some serious weight gain…

Well, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of giving in to every craving, to every food thought, to every tantalising smell of food cooking. I’m sick of waiting for everyone to go to sleep so I can raid the kitchen for leftovers and sit in front of the TV shoving it into my mouth. I’m sick of always feeling weak, and tired, and fat. Sick of it, sick of it, sick of it.

Today marks the start of extreme restricting and indoor exercises to whip me back in shape. I’m limiting myself to 300 calories today, all of which I’m going to burn off either on the Wii or doing some other form of exercise. I’m also tempted to drink a cup of Slimatee laxative tea just for that lovely, empty feeling I haven’t felt in so long. I realise this is unhealthy and stupid among various other things, but I’m desperate and out of my mind.

Wish me luck?

The time now is 3:15 am

April 5, 2012

My boyfriend and I have just had a huge argument where it truly felt like he was finally sick of me and was going to end it. So naturally, I’ve popped open the freezer and served myself a generous helping of mint choc chip and vanilla ice cream to diminish my blues; I am now sitting on the sofa with a blanket around me watching early morning TV shows. I will regret this once I’ve woken up tomorrow, but right now I’m saying a big FUCK YOU to calories.

It is at moments like these in my life that I wish I had friends.

Such is my life.

Me: Wow I’ve got such a muscular arms

Him: Hahaha because you’ve been going to the gym?

Me: No they’ve always been like this

Him: I don’t even know why you go to the gym, you really don’t need to

Me: What? Of course I do

Him: Noo you actually don’t, it doesn’t make sense

Me: Hahah what do you mean?

Him: You’re too skinny to be going to the gym (best compliment!)

Me: Don’t say that! (only because it’s not true)

Him: Hahaha not in a bad way, you’re not fat (aww he thought I was offended)

Me: Hmmm…