Today has been great so far, food wise. On New Years I decided that I wanted 2013 to be the year I finally reached my goal of losing weight and eventually finding happiness in myself and my body. In order for this to happen, it dawned on me that I would therefore need to adopt a more healthier approach to dieting which includes several changes that I began today (a week late, but I needed time to adjust and get back into a normal routine after the Christmas break!).

These are the changes: – an increased calorie intake limit of 1000 calories – more fruit and vegetables incorporated – making an effort to walk more daily – increasing the amount of water consumed – stressing less about calorie content – allowing myself healthy and yummy snacks – sticking to a bedroom exercise routine I’m really pleased with my choices to be more healthy and give my body what it wants and needs, rather than denying it of certain nutrients for the sake of losing weight, only to stuff my face later on and feel crappy. I want this to be a lifestyle change, mot a quick-fix, crash diet.

Here is what I have eaten so far today, and what I plan to have for dinner in a couple of hours:

B – two honey and oats belvita breakfast biscuits (58)
S – a medium apple (60)
L – rice and chilli con carne (284) with vegetables (30)
S – one raisin brunch bar (150)
D – two wholemeal toasts (210) with peanut butter (68) and banana slices (90)
= 900 calories

I have a really great feeling about 2013.

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Summer goals:

July 22, 2012

  • Get down to 120 pounds by August 31st (lose 20 pounds)
  • Sort out my wardrobe of clothes and shoes properly
  • Stop biting my nails and let them grow out
  • Get some sort of job over the summer holidays
  • Buy new pairs of shoes and clothes (if necessary)
  • Complete four chapters of my book for my school project
  • Start doing some sort of exercise for at least an hour every single day

Five day water fast

May 28, 2012

Today I began water fasting; I don’t know how long I will be able to keep it up for but I plan to continue until Friday, and then break my fast by eating 200 calories worth of vegetables only all weekend. I know it’s probably not the best and healthiest way to approach weight loss, but I’m so bloody desperate right now. Summer has arrived and (as usual) I am no where near where I want to be. I hate always failing. I despise myself for not ever being able to follow anything through; it’s the reason I am so fucking fat. Weak, stupid, fat, ugly girl – that has always been me, and I’m ready to be someone else now. I’m ready for success.

On an unrelated (actually, it’s somewhat related) note, my boyfriend is coming down to see me next Tuesday. He will be here for three days before getting on the train back North, then I probably won’t see him again for another month or so. I’m literally so excited to see him again; I can’t describe how much I’ve missed him these past few weeks. The only thing about him coming that I’m not looking forward to so much is the food. The sun will be out, as it has been recently, and he’s already said he is going to buy me a chocolate fudge brownie mcflurry from McDonalds (400 calories). There is no doubt we will be stopping at many other fast food joints, or hitting supermarkets while he’s here because it’s cheap and, well, we need to eat. I just don’t know what I’m going to do next week.

Also, I’m determined to be at least 5lbs thinner when he comes next Tuesday. He said he wants to see me in a little summer dress as it’s our first summer together and blah blah blah. The idea of showing so much flesh in public, added to the promise of fattening foods and the fact my mum does not approve of the relationship so getting out of the house to see him will be difficult, I have a strong feeling next week will be very stressful…

Today I started the ABC Diet again, and so far I’ve stayed on track. It is only 4:30 pm but I feel confident about being able to see it through for the full 50 days. I woke up feeling very optimistic about weight loss and restricting which meant staying below the calorie limit for today hasn’t been all that difficult. I believe if I can make it through a full week, the rest will seem easier. Well I hope so.

Intake so far:

B – an orange (62) brioche roll (128) and half a cup of tea w/ brown sugar (8)

L – four slices of melba toast (52) w/ light cheese (25)

S – free free toffee yogurt (88) and mini smarties (67)

I haven’t finished eating for the day yet, but for dinner I will most likely have an apple (60) and diet coke (1)

= 491 calories

In terms of exercise, I can’t say exactly how many calories I’ve burnt. I did a few workouts on youtube, but admittedly I did not put all my efforts into them due to that fact that I am lazy and so tragically unfit. I also did some walking but nothing spectacular. These next few days I’m going to try and increase the amount of exercise I do, by maybe even going for a short run everyday but I doubt that (if only I had proper running shoes).

ABC Diet

May 6, 2012

ABC Diet

I always feel so ashamed when I start this diet, because of the negative ~pro-ana~ associations attached to it (the name ‘ana boot camp’ makes me seriously cringe) but it adds structure which I so desperately need after these past few weeks and it usually do well to put me back on track.

For the first time ever, I’m going to see if I can get from start to finish on this diet.

Food defines my life

May 6, 2012

I find myself feeling anxious if there is no food in my bag, even when I am not hungry and do not feel like eating. I have to have some kind of food item sitting there just in case or I become nervous and fidgety, waiting impaitiently for the end of my lesson so I can power walk to the shop and buy some chocolate or an apple or a packet of raisins or something. 

I have never had a healthy relationship with food. When I was 10, food was a source of joy and excitement. When I was 13, food was a poison, stopping me from reaching my goal weight, but something I was able to resist. When I was 14, food was a comfort, allowing me to channel all my feelings of self-disgust into stuffing my face. Now, I am 16 and food is a constant in my life, something I struggle to resist and cannot go more than 2 hours without indulging in.

What happened to the days when I was a determined pre-teen, able to say fuck you to food and live off the compliments I was receiving as the pounds dropped off?

She is making a comeback. I was like that once, I can be like that once again. To guide me along, I’m doing the notorious ABC diet (I know, I know). Today’s limit is 500 calories.

Fuck you, food.

The past few days my relationship with my boyfriend has felt under strain. The loneliness and helplessness I’ve felt as a result has meant I’ve been finding it hard to stop myself from eating anything and everything. Towards the end of last week it even got to the point where I was eating at 4am before going to sleep, and first thing when I woke up to satisfy my urge. Naturally, this has left me feeling constantly full and bloated, and also with terrible stomach pains. Add this to the fact I’m at home all day, everyday, and you’ve got the equation for some serious weight gain…

Well, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of giving in to every craving, to every food thought, to every tantalising smell of food cooking. I’m sick of waiting for everyone to go to sleep so I can raid the kitchen for leftovers and sit in front of the TV shoving it into my mouth. I’m sick of always feeling weak, and tired, and fat. Sick of it, sick of it, sick of it.

Today marks the start of extreme restricting and indoor exercises to whip me back in shape. I’m limiting myself to 300 calories today, all of which I’m going to burn off either on the Wii or doing some other form of exercise. I’m also tempted to drink a cup of Slimatee laxative tea just for that lovely, empty feeling I haven’t felt in so long. I realise this is unhealthy and stupid among various other things, but I’m desperate and out of my mind.

Wish me luck?