The fatty has returned

August 2, 2014

So, my depression has been pretty bad lately which for me means increased late night binges caused by sleeping all day and comfort eating at random points. The lack of structure in my diet combined with my inability to leave the house means my weight has visibly ballooned, but I’m ready to take control again. I leave for Barcelona with my mates on the 20th August so I have less than 3 weeks to shed this extra weight. What a challenge.

Anyway, today I have eaten:

B – nothing (0)

L – boiled egg white (17)

S – approx. 8 boiled sweets (64)

D – salad (200) and pepsi max (2)

= 283 calories

I’m considering going for a run later in the evening to get some physical activity and speed up the weight loss process. Tomorrow I will be better; by that I mean I won’t shove eight sweets into my mouth at snack time, though I am pleased that I stopped there and it didn’t turn into a binge, which it so easily could have done… Anyway, until Barca I’m not allowing myself to eat more than 300 calories daily and I also must burn some of it off either by going for long walks or jogging in the evening (because it won’t be so hot and unbearable!)

EDIT: later this night I went for a run, which was really terrible. I can’t believe how unfit I’ve become. What have I been doing to my body?? When I got back I felt really faint and ended up eating 10 more sweets (80) bringing my calorie intake up to 363 hahahah I hate myself. To make up for it thought I’ve just done loads of exercises in my room, including 100 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 leg lifts on each side and other random bits. Hopefully that cancels out the sweets a bit, but to be safe I’m being much stricter tomorrow.

Not this again

July 7, 2014

So, unsurprisingly, I return once again. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve updated this, and looking back through my old entries is so surreal. Quite a lot has changed since my last post. I started university last September and everything has been pretty fucking hectic since then. My weight has fluctuated incredibly for the past few months; I went from very thin, to slim, to thin again, to where I am now which is disgusting and flabby. In April this year I attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers, and shortly after I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression (something that has factored into my weight gain, as I haven’t had the energy or motivation to cook or buy food so ended up ordering in every day). This summer I am focusing on losing at least fifty pounds before the start of term because currently I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I’m also trying to improve my frame of mind before I go back to uni.

Being at home for summer is awful. The depression is setting in pretty bad which means I am isolating myself from my family and withdrawing further into my mind, but of course they have misinterpreted this as difficult and anti-social behaviour. Urgh. I’m really struggling with loneliness and feelings of low self worth, but somehow I have managed not to self harm while I’ve been home, mainly by looking at my scars and reminding myself of how gross and embarrassing they are.

ANYWAY I am limiting myself to 800 calories daily as I think it’s realistic and I am desperate to drop all this extra fat that seems to have found its way onto me in the recent months. This shouldn’t be too hard!

This is just so cute

August 29, 2012

This is just so cute

Today I began fasting, as promised in my previous text post. It’s going pretty well, I think. I have a slight stomach pain but I’m not feeling too hungry or anything and I’m so motivated that I could last for at least three days – it’d be great if I actually made it until school opened though. A clothing website that I’m registered with (asos.com) sent me a magazine today with all the new items they have in stock, and as a little treat they also sent a bar of Galaxy chocolate. It was yum. Well, I wouldn’t know if it was yum or not because I didn’t eat any of it! Yeah, not even a tiny square. Instead I shared it out with my family and went upstairs with a mug of ice water. I felt proud which is a change from the feelings I’ve had recently (guilt and shame). I’m still fat though, let’s not forget.

At midday, I decided it would do me good to go for a walk, so I walked quite briskly to the shopping centre (I usually get the bus which is only 10 minutes) and it took me 20 minutes. I looked around at the shops and found a pair of caramel heeled ankle boots for half price! I ended up buying them after trying them on twice and debating with myself in my head. They’re gorgeous.

I’m only allowing myself to have water, diet fizzy drinks, and tea. Sadly we’ve run out of green tea which sucks but normal tea bags will have to do. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be having my usual black tea with a teaspoon of brown sugar (15 calories) or if I’ll cut out any calories completely. Maybe I should have it with sugar every morning, just to help me keep on with this.

This post is completely all over the place. I don’t think it made any sense. Oh well… Wish me luck!

My boyfriend would love me looking like this

I'll forever wish I was someone else

Ahh I’m so jealous

August 27, 2012

Ahh I'm so jealous

Such thin legs

August 26, 2012

tumblr_m97m6ftkL71rwdzgao1_500

I tried my best, but I really can’t. It’s horrible and I have such a terrible pain in my stomach that I just can’t shake. It may be because I’m about to start my period, I don’t know.

Anyway, that means my calorie intake today is not 271.

271 – (76 / 2) = 233 calories

What a gorgeous body

August 25, 2012

What a gorgeous body